The Melancholy Of Kyon
by Miss.Sutcliff13
Summary: An mpreg crack story don't like don't read. Haruhi is in a bad mood. She wishes for a man to get pregnant so he can suffer the way women do. What happens when her wish actually comes true and it happens to KYON! Sorry no Yoai btw. I figured it'd be better if that was left out since Kyon doesn't like the only other male member of the brigade. Seriously crack story so don't be rude!
1. Chapter 1

It was a fairly normal day, I sat in the clubroom playing Go with Koizumi, I was winning as usually. For someone who loved games he sure did suck at them. It was really sad actually. Haruhi was late because she had cleaning duty. Asahina our wonderful angel of this random brigade was dressed in her maid outfit brewing her heavenly tea. Anything touched by the beautiful Asahina suddenly became ten times more valuable, at least to me. Nagato sat in her usual corner reading a thick hardcover. It looked like it was something about a strange competition where teenagers killed each other. Seemed depressing but Nagato would read almost anything. That's when she burst in, our oh so wonderful brigade chief Haruhi Suzumiya.

She appeared to be in an even worse mood than normal. I had no idea why and I didn't particularly care either to be honest. It was scarier when she was in a good mood. That usually meant she had some horrible scheme that would be a large inconvenience to me. Bad moods always irritated Koizumi because of the whole closed space thing but other then that it really didn't bother anybody else. Haruhi glared at me as I took Koizumi last piece and won the game.

"Why is live so unfair?" She sat on the computer desk indian style with her mouth in the shape of an upside down v. "Okay I'll bite what's wrong?" I figured I may as well ask since she'd probably give a speach about it anyway in about thirty seconds. I was shocked to hear her say "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" "Well alright then sorry I asked." I sighed and watched Koizumi reset the board. I really just wanted to go home at this point since nothing was going on. That's when Nagato shut her book. It was the symbol that it was acceptable to leave the club room and go home. In fact it had become the signal for us to leave and go home. I got up and left shutting the door behind me so Asahina could change. Haruhi was also in the club room with Asahina and I heard a conversation that I wish I hadn't heard.

"Why do only woman have uteruses. It's not fair, cramps hurt I wish that men had to deal with this. No better yet I wish that a man could get pregnant. I'd love to see how a man would cope with that. Wouldn't you Mikaru?" I froze in my tracks hoping that she wouldn't unconsciously make that happen to some poor fool.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up a few weeks later after overhearing the awkward conversation between Haruhi and Asahina and I felt awful. I wanted to throw up. I must've caught some sort of stomach bug. I wanted to stay home but I knew that with my grades there was no way my mom would let me. That's when my sister came in to pile drive me drive me awake. "Kyon it's time for breakfast." She jumped on my bed over and over. "I'm up I'm up get off of me damnit." I pushed her off of me before suddenly stood up and covered my mouth with my hand and ran to the bathroom. Maybe since I was actually vomiting I'd be allowed to stay home. My sister noticed and ran to find my mom.

"Mom Kyon's sick." She ran off carrying are poor cat Shamisen. You had to pity the poor cat. He dealt with this abuse daily. Though it wasn't nearly as bad as what I suffered. Twenty minutes later despite how ill I was, I was making the treacherous climb to my crummy public high school North High. Of course on top of everything else it had to be boiling outside. Like it was already summer. I felt worse by the time I reached the top. Not only did I feel ill I felt hot and sweaty and dizzy.

I suddenly woke up in the nurses office, according to the nurse I'd fainted at the top of the hill and I should be in no hurry to go back to class. She'd already sent a note to homeroom teacher man if there was no hurry I was going to try to take a nap and sleep whatever bug I had off. I still felt like I was going to vomit. I couldn't help and I threw up again this time in a nearby trashcan. I felt bad for the poor nurse. "I'll just go back to class." Then I ran to the literary club room where I could be alone without a nurse hanging over me and without Haruhi asking questions. It'd be awhile before the next break and still at least an hour before lunch so I was free to do as a pleased until then. I went ahead and got on the computer to looked at my Mikaru folder. It'd be nice to take my mind off everything for a minute. As I opened it the door to the club room opened slowly. My timing must of been off by quite a bit because there was Nagato holding her thick hardcover and a box lunch. She looked at me for a moment then went to her normal spot.

She'd given me a look that appeared to one of concern but she could probably could tell that I wasn't feeling well since she almost always seemed to know these things about everyone. "Hey Nagato what are you reading?" She held up her book cover. Talking to her was still difficult though I was still incredibly grateful to her. She had saved my but more times than I could count shame she couldn't cure the stomach flu. I closed the Mikaru folder on the computer before standing up. "I'm just going to go back to class I'll see you later Nagato." I picked up my bag and started to head back to class, despite how much I'd thrown up I was still surprisingly hungry. If I hurried I might be able to make it back to the classroom in time to eat something. Haruhi would probably have a million questions when she got back from lunch. Questions to which I had no answers. I'll just say I had an appointment which is why I'm late. Yeah that would work fine. Just say I was feeling a little ill so I asked if I could go to the doctors before school just to make sure it wasn't anything serious. It sounded like a good enough excuse. Hopefully Haruhi wouldn't pry to much.


	3. Chapter 3

"Kyon where the hell have you been? I've been waiting for you all day. I thought you were bed next time you're going to be late to class tell me." Haruhi had grabbed me by the shirt collar and was choking me slightly as all the students and the teacher started at us as I prayed that Haruhi would let me go she was suffocating me. I coughed a bit and she let me go and sat down with a huff. "Stupid Kyon." I still wasn't feeling so hot as the final bell rang for class to get out. I sluggishly headed back to the literary club room. I wondered if I vomited again Haruhi would let me go home. I really wanted to go home and sleep. Screw homework, I'd worry about it before school tomorrow.

I arrived at the club room and looked at Haruhi. "Haruhi can I please go home?" I looked at her knowing she'd probably say no but I asked any and she was slightly considered. "Why? Why do you want to leave the SOS Brigade meeting early?" She glared and puckered her lips like a duck bill. "I think I have the flu and I don't want to get anyone else sick." I looked at her wondering what she was thinking. No one ever knew what that girl was thinking. "Fine you can leave but if you ever leave a club meeting early again heads will roll."

So lucky for me I was excused. I trudged home through the heat. It really was ridiculously hot. It was so hot I had to stop at the convenience store to get some water so I could make it home without collapsing. I made it home much slower than usual. I was still home early but the walk felt as if it had taken days. "Hey Kyon welcome home welcome home." My sister hopped up and down excitedly and full of energy. "Hey I'm going to lay down if anyone calls for me tell them I'm sick." I really didn't want to deal with anyone right now. I just wanted to sleep. I figured that if it was just the stomach flu I'd wake up feeling fine. It was how these things usually worked right?

I went into my room and collapsed on my bed not even wanting to change out of my uniform. I sighed and stood up and stripped down to my boxers then just crawled in my bed. I vaguely remember my sister calling me to dinner a few hours later and sending her away saying I still felt sick. I slept fitfully for a few hours before waking up in the middle of the night to throw up again. I took a shower after that to see if it would help clear my head. I was going to beg to stay home tomorrow since I was feeling worse right now then I had all day. It really did matter how I did it but I knew I wasn't going to school in the morning.

Once again my sister came and pile drived me so hard that I ended up throwing up on my bed and barely missed my sister who ran away quickly. I stood up and stripped my bed and threw everything in the washing machine before getting in the shower. I'd skip breakfast, maybe now that it's been like this for two days my mom would allow my to skip school. I asked very sweetly and told her I'd been throwing up for two days and she caved and said I could have one day but if I was still sick I'd have to go to school anyway. I was relieved to at least have a day. It'd be nice to just take a break from Haruhi, really just from life in general. With a day to recover It'd be perfectly fine.


	4. Chapter 4

After everyone in the house was gone I put on my pajamas and went to watch tv. As I turned it on there was a knock at the door. I didn't really want to answer but I got up and looked through the peephole to find a very unexpected visitor. The SOS Brigade's very own book loving alien Yuki Nagato. I figured if she was here there must be a really good reason. Especially since she'd come alone. How did she even find out where I lived? She probably knew where we all lived considering how smart she was. She appeared to know everything actually.

I opened the door for her slowly feeling embarrassed by the way I was dressed, most people would change but I still felt like crap and I didn't want to bother. I mean it wasn't like it was Asahina. Then I would've ran to change and get dressed in something more appropriate. "Hey Nagato what's up why are you here?" I hoped I didn't sound rude, I mean I wasn't annoyed just tired and sick. "This is important please listen and then ask questions." The last time she'd sounded like that she'd told me she was an alien so I was a bit concerned. "Okay." I'm sure I sounded scared. "Do you want some tea or anything?" She shook her head in such a way I'd only noticed so I just lead her into the living room hoping she'd understand why I was still wearing my night clothes.

"Be warned what I have to tell you will probably shock you, and it involves only you and Haruhi Suzumiya and you are no longer an ordinary human." No longer ordinary? I hadn't become one of Koizumi's people I hoped. I really was worried about that. I didn't want anything to do with his weirdo agency. "Haruhi Suzumiya has made an unconscious wish for a man to gain the ability to become pregnant. The man who was unconsciously chosen was you." She looked at me seriously. "You have been pregnant for exactly 17 days pregnant. The illness you are suffering from is what is commonly known as morning sickness and can last up to three months." Well I did the only rational thing there was too do. I fainted. I woke up in my bed with Nagato still there watching over me like some demented guardian angel. If she was still here if she was here at all I hadn't been dreaming about what she said. How did I even get pregnant I've never had sex with a dude or well anyone. Was Haruhi really that powerful, that she could cause someone to get pregnant without sex? "Why me instead of Koizumi." That was what I wanted to know.

"That information is not known or relevant." She still looked deadly serious. "Is there something that can be done to stop it?" I hoped there was I really hoped that Nagato could stop this scary awful pregnancy. I mean a pregnancy would be pretty noticeable wouldn't it? How could that sort of thing be hidden? Especially on a man it'd be a huge scandal. It'd be all over the media I really didn't know what think. The room felt as if it was actually spinning as I heard Nagato's answer. "No there appears to be no way to reverse what has already begun." She looked at me seriously again. I may have looked calm but I was freaking out inside. I wanted to start running around and screaming. I almost grabbed Nagato and started to shake her. This had to be a lie it had to be.

"What am I suppose to do? This will be over the media if anyone finds out." I took a deep breath hoping for some good news. "I can not think of a solution. I feel as if all members of the SOS brigade should be notified including Haruhi Suzumiya." She stood up after that and began to walk out as my eyes widened in fear. This couldn't be true this had to be bullshit. "Wait Nagato I need proof that you aren't lying." I grabbed her wrist knowing that she could at least give me that if nothing else.


	5. Chapter 5

"What sort of proof do you want? Would you like me to go buy a pregnancy test it seems to be the way woman confirm their pregnancies." Nagato stood there in the my hand still squeezing her arm. She looked me in the eye wondering what the answer would be. I just nodded almost robotically. "I'll be back, drink lots of water, you will have to pee on it." Normally I would've thought that was awkward but at the same time it was Nagato saying it and it was so devoid of emotion that it was almost like a robot saying it. I still didn't believe a word of what Nagato had said. It was just so ridiculous and unnatural a guy being pregnant. I mean seriously if this was true it was the scariest thing to ever happen. I mean what would my family think? There must be some sort of way to save myself from this.

What was I suppose to do with a baby anyway? I didn't know anything about babies I mean my sister and I are only six years apart so it's not like I did much when she was a baby. I'd never babysat for extra money either. It was insane I went and sat down as I tried to process this information. I'd fallen asleep by the time she got back. I was obviously hoping this was a dream.

I woke up an hour later and Nagato was sitting in the kitchen reading a book she'd also gone ahead and made tea for me. She said it'd help with my throwing up. She also handed me the test and said use it whenever I was ready and that she'd be going. Surprisingly I wanted her to stay mostly because I was scared. She merely nodded at sat back down picking up her hardcover again as I got up to use the bathroom praying that just this one time Yuki Nagato was wrong. Though it was highly doubtful since she'd never been wrong before. The next thing I knew I was screaming loudly as I dropped the test on the ground the pink plus. It was frightening. "Nagato you you were right." I was sweating profusely and hyperventilating. This was really happening.

She just looked at me as if she was confused by my reaction to the situation. I mean who wouldn't react the same way? Well at least if it were another man in the situation. "What am I suppose to do about my family and the world we can't have the media getting ahold of this story. It'd be sick." "I will handle it, Koizumi shall assist." Oh right the Agency problem had some sort of private doctor who'd keep their mouth shut for Suzumiya's sake. That was probably best for everyone involved if it was done that way. "How are we suppose to tell them huh? I mean it's not like I can just shout this sort of thing out." I was still panicking more internally. I shall arrange a meeting with Asahina and Koizumi and then we shall discuss it before telling Suzumiya." Well Nagato was the one with all the real ideas but I'd deal with everyone else. It'd be a chance to see Asahina at the very least. Wait on second thought she was the last person I wanted to see me like this. It would be awful. "I will arrange for a meeting to be at my house tomorrow after the SOS brigade concludes it's meeting." With that she got up and left which was probably for the best since my sister arrived home a few minutes later.

She ignored me and went over to the tv and changed the channel to some childish western cartoon. The animation was overly colorful and gave me a headache so I went to my room to lay down. I understood why a kid would like that stuff but it made me a bit sick to my stomach. Oh why did I have to put it that way. I felt another wave of nausea coming on as I ran to the closet toilet. Being pregnant was hard. I really still couldn't believe this. Stupid Haruhi and her stop unconscious wishes. This was once again all her fault, like everything that went wrong in my life. I kicked the wall hard enough to relieve my stress but not hard enough to create a hole. What was Nagato's plan going to be. I really was at so much of a loss on what to do. I wanted to cry but I was too much of a man for that. Oh who am I kidding I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I went to lock the door to my room. I didn't want anyone to see or hear my cry. Especially my sister that would be the worst person to overhear me crying. That's when one of the worst possible things happened. I heard a knock on my door and heard her voice. "Hey Kyon what's this thing I found on the bathroom floor." When I opened the door well you can guess what she was holding the test with a little pink plus.


	6. Chapter 6

My eyes widened in fear at the thing she was holding. I really couldn't believe she'd found it. That's when my mind realed backwards and I remembered that I didn't dispose of the test that I'd just dropped it on the bathroom floor without thinking. "It's nothing just give it to me and I'll throw it away. " I held out my hand hopefully that she'd just give it to me. "Well it doesn't look like nothing I've seen these on tv and it looks like a pregnancy test. Is mom pregnant?" I knew I couldn't tell my sister the truth. So I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind. I didn't realize what I'd done until it was too late. I still can't believe what I said and I'd owe her a big no a huge apology. "It's Nagato's. I I mean Yuki's." I was sweating bullets. What had I just said. Damn I was in trouble. "Don't tell mom okay. I'm begging you I'm going to go see her now tell mom I went to see a doctor."

I shoved her out the door so I could change into some real clothes. I wasn't going out in my pajamas I'd call her as soon as I was outside and explain my stupidity. "I understand. We shall find a way to work with that story. Perhaps it is best that you chose to tell your family this." I could tell my Yuki's voice she was already devising a plan. "I'm coming to your place now." I was already half way there running past the park that seemed to draw weirdos like a magnet. Many of the strange things I've been through in past few months happened at that park. As I ran and ran I started to pant. For some reason I wasn't able to run like I used to it seemed strange but I still kept going. At last I reached Nagato's to's apartment for the rich. It really was a ritzy place, the data overmind must be able to produce Japanese yen like crazy to keep all the weird interface things alive.

I pressed the intercom button dying for her to answer quickly. I was sweating bullets and could really use some water. It was a hard run over here. If I'd been thinking clearly I would've ridden my bike but I was so out of it. "Nagato let me in please, please let me in." I'm sure I sounded out of breath. I'd be shocked if I didn't. She merely let go of the button. I figured that meant it was okay for me to go on in. So I did. I boarded the elevator . Man I was in trouble.

I reached her apartment to see a shocking meeting. Who do I find inside? I found Koizumi and Asahina. I groaned a bit annoyed at the group meeting but I went inside and sat next to Asahina. Her cute eyes were filled with tears. Koizumi's usual smirk made me want to punch him. I really really wanted to hurt him. Nagato brought out a teapot and four teacups. She also went back and then brought back some rice balls. Good call Nagato. She handed one to me. "Eat." It sounded like a command so I took a bite. It was probably the best rice ball I'd ever eaten. She asked a question I'd only heard her ask once before. "Is it good?" I nodded eagerly. It was a match for something made by Asahina. "So what's the purpose of this meeting?" It really had taken me off guard. "The plan we have came up of course." Koizumi smile his obnoxious smile.

"You've already come up with a plan?" I looked confused and how would this plan satisfy Haruhi? "Just listen it will most likely satisfy your family as well in fact you've helped us a bit already." Apparently they were already planning on having one of the girls claim it and I'd just chosen Nagato off the top of my head. The idea was I'd move in with Nagato so I would no longer be with my family and saying that the baby was hers it'd seem fairly normal. I'd also complete high school from this very apartment. A doctor from the agency would say I had some sort of terminal illness and wasn't allowed any visitors outside of a small group. Koizumi would bring my school work here. Ugh it was exhausting to deal with this. "So basically I have to convince my family to let me move here, and then not to see me for nine months? And where does our oh so wonderful club leader fall into this? What are we suppose to tell her?" I really was surprised by Koizumi's answer.


End file.
